Integration

Back in college, I had to take a speech class and it was...fine.

I actually learned not to judge sorority girls, but that's another story.

Anyway, in my speech class, we had to do a speech that explained something about ourselves to people. Despite being into super-music mode at the time, I actually decided to do my speech on my novel - the only one I had completed in its entirety at that point. I was 17 at the time, I wrote that one when I was 15.

The basic structure of the speech was that I went through all of the characters, one by one, and explained how each of them represented a different aspect of my personality. It wasn't something I had intentionally done when I wrote it, and I'm not even sure it's that accurate. Honestly, I probably just thought it was an easy way to organize the speech and keep it interesting and just ret-conned the different pieces of myself into the characters.

I'm bringing this up, though, because I think I've made an important step in my most recent creative block.

Two days ago I was writing an update to the Persona 5 Fanfic (henceforth to be referred to as "P5F"). The basis of P5F is that Nanako, the little girl from Persona 4, is the same age as the rest of the Phantom Thieves in Persona 5, and joins them on that adventure, and all the implications that entails. The way Nanako has panned out, though, is that in many ways she takes the same position on the team as Makoto, one of the original P5 characters, and thus they have had a lot of conflict because they are very similar to one another.

The scene I was writing was basically the two of them trying to smooth things over so they can work as a team. However, from Makoto's perspective, there were still things that Nanako did wrong, and Makoto says that even though she wants to be friends with Nanako, she will continue to call out Nanako when she thinks she's doing the wrong thing.

And when I wrote that sentence...something unlocked. It was a very visceral moment, as if a tension somewhere in my subconscious had finally been resolved. It was so physically resonant that I spent the whole day trying to figure it out. Why had that sentence been so meaningful? Why did I have that reaction?

The more I thought about it, the more I thought about that college speech, about how characters are a reflection of who I am - or at least parts of who I am.

And what I realized is that the reason Makoto's line resonated so well is because it's something I've been working on a lot in my professional life.

See...when you're the leader of anything, it's an uncomfortable truth that part of your job is to call out things when someone else is not doing their job. I do not relish it, but I have become much better at it. Still being kind and humane, but also understanding that I'm not doing anyone any favors by turning a blind eye - the same thing Makoto declared she was going to do in the story.

And that's when I realized I built too much of a wall between my professional life and my creative one.

I have changed a lot in my professional life as an educator, especially over the last three years. But I haven't allowed any of those new changes and new experiences to filter into my creative work. I'm still trying to write and create things like I'm 2019 Chris - the guy who was still teaching in the classroom and who hadn't lived in a pandemic. I haven't addressed any of the topics of my professional life in any creative work - nothing about leadership, about difficult work, about negotiating between people. All of my heroes are always lone rangers, working either outside of the system or bucking it.

But...I am the system in my professional life. I'm the bad guy, "the man." And there's a different kind of story that can be told from that perspective.

I don't really know what it means yet, but this realization has been very encouraging, and I'm working to integrate all sides of my life together again - not just professional into creative, but personal as well. I mean, I have four kids, and not once have I written about being a parent.

Let's go find out where this road leads.